The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[3.0L]

Originally Posted by Watching The World Burn

Sigh - almost not a joke unfortunately nowadays.

Sad but true.

Back when I worked at our local university an engineering student poked
the front wheel of his bicycle into my shop and asked if I had any idea
why his front wheel squeaked. I asked him if he had tried lubricating the
wheel bearings. All I got was a blank stare.

[M5Rick]

Why did the librarian remove the clock from the library?
It was tocking too much.

[M5Rick]

I wanted to buy an Audi but couldn't A4'd it.

[Pauly Wauly]

A man brings one of his friends home for dinner unannounced at 7:30pm after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits there and listens.

Wife: My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I`m still in my pajamas and I can`t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?!

Husband: Because he`s thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!

[M5Rick]

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing, it was on the house.

[3.0L]

Grandson: “Grandpa, I’m playing the part of a man who’s been married for 33 years!”

Grandpa: “Well, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

[Buug959]

Breaking News

Police say that a petite psychic escaped custody last night. They are now looking for a small medium at large.

[Esteban]

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

[3.0L]

You’re either on a roll,

or you’re taking shit from someone.

[KRS_SN]

Elderly couple go to Israel. While on a tour of Jerusalem she suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the husband,
"You can have her shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for just $100."
Without a second thought he tells the undertaker he wants her shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled. "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship her home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?"
He replies: "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take the risk."

[M5Rick]

.

[Buug959]

EO

[OC40]

Attempts to change the license plate frame on m340.

Takes one look at the stock license frame bracket…

[img]https://24.media.tumblr.com/486e18ae6eecfff97fdc19dbc33ab4ca/tumblr_mhqc9iSDIg1qed7g8o2_400.gif[/img]

[Pauly Wauly]

A man gets pulled over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car, the man immediately asks. Officer, can I step out of the car? The cop nods and allows him to do so.
Once outside, the officer asks. Alright, care to explain why you were speeding?
The man sighs deeply and points at the car. See the woman sitting in the passenger seat? That’s my wife. And the woman in the backseat? That’s my mother-in-law. She’s been living with us for the past three months.
The officer raises an eyebrow, intrigued, as the man continues.
This morning, my wife and my mother-in-law got into a huge fight. My mother-in-law declared she was done with us and insisted I take her back to her own house. Now I’m just trying to get her there as fast as possible before they make up, because if they do, she’ll want to come back home with us!
The officer takes a moment to process the situation, then chuckles and says. Get back in your car. I’m giving you a police escort with lights and sirens to make sure she gets home safely!

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by Buug959

EO

I'd say I'll take the one you won't accidentally bash me with

[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

I'd say I'll take the one you won't accidentally bash me with

Take them both, leaving her up the creek without a paddle!

I'll show myself out now.....

[Buug959]

H

[M5Rick]

I know I have to tread carefully here, but I'm getting tired of car jokes.
We've had a clutch of them but now I'm exhausted and it's time to have a brake.

[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

I know I have to tread carefully here, but I'm getting tired of car jokes.
We've had a clutch of them but now I'm exhausted and it's time to have a brake.

Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors?


A: Because if they had four doors, they would be chicken sedans.

[OC40]

Originally Posted by OC40

Attempts to change the license plate frame on m340.

Takes one look at the stock license frame bracket…

[img]"]https://24.media.tumblr.com/486e18ae6eecfff97fdc19dbc33ab4ca/tumblr_mhqc9iSDIg1qed7g8o2_400.gif[/img]

Best $10 that I have spent so far.

holy shite was the stock bracket was an absolute joke.

[M5Rick]

.

[Nowimeasy]

Darwin Awards 2026