The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Llarry]

I hate being accused of lollygagging when I'm quite obviously dillydallying.

[M5Rick]

Why was the student hesitant to follow a career as an elevator engineer?
They heard it had a lot of ups and downs.

[KRS_SN]

Definitions...

Harrass
The opposite end from her mouth.
Aircraft
The art of breaking wind silently.
Fundamentalist.
What you do when you buy a Tesla.

[Buug959]

T

[Pauly Wauly]

A young man from Texas moves to Florida and goes to a big everything under one roof department store looking for a job. The manager says, do you have any sales experience?
The kid says, yeah, I was a vacuum salesman back in Texas. Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
How many sales did you make today? The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, only one. The boss says, just one??!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Texas, but not here in Florida, son.
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked semi-sarcastically, so, how much was your one sale for? The young man says, $101,237.65. The boss says, $101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?

The young man says, first, I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fishhook, then I sold him a larger fishhook, then I sold him a new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft, then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a 4x4 Ford pickup truck .
The boss said, a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?
The young man said, no, the guy came in here to buy "Tampons" for his wife, and I said, dude, your weekend is shot, you might as well go fishing.

[M5Rick]

If you're removing unnecessary things from your car, definitely take out the brakes.
Those will just slow you down.

[Buug959]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

If you're removing unnecessary things from your car, definitely take out the brakes.
Those will just slow you down.

LOL. See my signature below.

[Buug959]

Studies show that cows produce more milk when farmers talk to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

[vreihen16]

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, and the results were very interesting:

10% of women think their ass is too skinny.

30% of women think their ass is too fat.

60% Say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

[Buug959]

What's a kidnappers favourite shoes?

White Vans.

[Buug959]

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records, but then the librarian told me to take it out.

[Nowimeasy]

Tough Santa

[Buug959]

What kind of birds stick together?

Velcros.

[KRS_SN]

Down on his luck, a homeopath hangs up a sign:

“Cure for any disease £20! If you’re not cured, get £50 back!”

One day, a clever Professor of Evidence Based Medicine saw the sign. "Shameless woo!” he thought, “But maybe I can make a quick £50.” He walked in, feeling confident.

Professor: “Doctor, I’ve lost my sense of taste.”

Homeopath: “Nurse, Box 22 — three drops in his mouth.”

The professor screwed up his face in disgust : “Ugh! That’s kerosene!”

Homeopath: “Perfect! Your taste is back. That’ll be £20.”

A few days later, the academic came back.

Professor: “Doctor, I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”

Homeopath: “Nurse, Box 22 — three drops.”

Professor: “Wait! That’s kerosene! Are you crazy? Don't come near me with that stuff ever again!”

Homeopath: “Wonderful! Your memory is restored. That’s £20.”

Fuming, but still determined, the professor tried one last time.

Stumping up another £20, he explained “My eyesight failed overnight. I can’t see a thing!”

The homeopath thought for a moment , and then replied “Ah, sorry. There's no cure for that. Here’s your £50.”

…and handed him back… his £20 note.

“Hey, wait a minute" said the professor. "This is only £20!”

“Fantastic! Your eyesight is back. That’ll be £20 please.”

[Buug959]

What's the difference between Disney+ and Pornhub?

Disney+ wants you to hate your stepmother.

[M5Rick]

Why do hat makers wear slip on shoes?
You need an IQ of at least 4 to tie a shoelace.

[Esteban]

Dear Santa…

Define good.

[3.0L]

One in four people are mentally ill.

Check three of your friends. If they’re okay, you’re it.

[Buug959]

Jimmy: Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?

Mommy: I have to do that or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny.

Jimmy: That's not going to work.

Mommy: Why not?

Jimmy: Because Tina, the babysitter, keeps blowing him back up again.

[3.0L]

Student: “Jeepers Mr. Science, if it wasn’t for the wheel, my dad
would have to drag his car to work.”

[Watching The World Burn]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

Student: “Jeepers Mr. Science, if it wasn’t for the wheel, my dad
would have to drag his car to work.”

Sigh - almost not a joke unfortunately nowadays.

[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by Watching The World Burn

Sigh - almost not a joke unfortunately nowadays.

.