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      08-08-2020, 02:58 PM   #1
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The Good Joke Thread

Just thinking maybe you all receive or hear jokes that do not have a pic attached every now and then, just like I do. Please put them here!


At some point in a guy's life... it comes down to this.

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Mrs. to letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want.

So, Here I am. You guys want a beer?"
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      08-08-2020, 03:03 PM   #2
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Why Parents Drink


The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello?'

'Is your daddy home?' 'Yes, he's out in the garden,' whispered the small voice. 'May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ''No.'

So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' 'Yes, she's out in the garden too.' The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No.' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' 'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' 'No, he's busy,' 'whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?''Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men.' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' 'It's a helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.' The search team just landed a helicopter. 'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'



Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... 'ME '.
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      08-08-2020, 03:03 PM   #3
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Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation began:

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. My wife made me promise that'll paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing. My wife made me promise that I'd build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! My wife made me promise that I'd rebuilt the entire kitchen for her next weekend."

After the three men have taken their goes, they realise that the fourth guy has not said a word. "So what's the deal? What did you have to promise to do to be able to come golfing this weekend?

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. After the alarm wakes me up, I shut it off, give the wife a nudge and ask: "Golf Course or Intercourse?" And she says, "Don't forget to wear your sweater."
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      08-08-2020, 03:07 PM   #4
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The sharing of marriage .......


The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.


He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.


Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'


As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything


People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'


Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'


She answered --




'THE TEETH.'
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      08-08-2020, 03:43 PM   #5
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The Funeral



A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"


The man replied, "Get in line."
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      08-08-2020, 08:26 PM   #6
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A male engineering major was walking across the quad on campus, and saw one of his friends who was also a male engineering major ride up on a bicycle. Of course, he had to ask where bicycle came from.

You're not going to believe this, the second student responded. When I walked out of my dorm building, a young co-ed rode up on this bicycle. She stopped, stripped off all her clothes, tossed them on the ground, and said that I could take whatever I wanted.

Good choice, the first student replied. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you.....
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      08-09-2020, 10:35 AM   #7
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What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

....Dam.
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      08-09-2020, 03:44 PM   #8
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A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hotshot lawyer was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Peter-built truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da fock would you say?'
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      08-09-2020, 08:07 PM   #9
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this is a lot of reading
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      08-09-2020, 08:55 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by upstatedoc View Post
this is a lot of reading
Okay, here's one with a picture.
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      08-10-2020, 01:18 AM   #11
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Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity.

"You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees.".

The cannibals promised they would not..

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But now, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."
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      08-10-2020, 01:21 AM   #12
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LOL.
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      08-10-2020, 11:35 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by upstatedoc View Post
this is a lot of reading
Reading is fundamental...
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      08-10-2020, 11:50 AM   #14
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Is it just me or does the OP not having an Avatar make it seem like he is the joke without a picture?
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      08-10-2020, 04:48 PM   #15
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It's just you.
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      08-11-2020, 12:44 PM   #16
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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
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      08-11-2020, 01:54 PM   #17
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Today at the bank I saw a man smoking weed asking about whether he could store his stash. He asked the clerk if he could open a joint account.
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      08-11-2020, 02:59 PM   #18
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With some apologies to Rodney:

"I bought a perfect second car for my BMW... a tow truck."

"I have nothing but troubles with my BMW. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push."

"I was so depressed about my BMW that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said, 'On your mark... '"
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      08-12-2020, 12:35 PM   #19
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The Israeli Ambassador's Speech

The Israeli Ambassador at the U.N. began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I want to relay an old Passover story.

"When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt toward the Promised Land, he had to go through the nearly endless Sinai desert.

"When they reached the Promised Land, the people had become very thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his staff and a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. The people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content.

"Moses put down his staff and went to a solitary corner of the pond to drink, and meditate in prayer. But once Moses returned, he found that his staff had been stolen.

"I have reason to believe ladies and gentlemen that the Palestinians stole the staff of our great Prophet Moses.'"

The Palestinian delegate to the UN, hearing this accusation, jumps from his seat and screams out, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no such thing as 'Palestinians' at that time!"

"And with that in mind," said the Israeli Ambassador, "let me now begin my speech."

——————————————————————-

I told my rabbi this one and he couldn't stop laughing.
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      08-12-2020, 01:35 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul_Glo View Post
Today at the bank I saw a man smoking weed .
did someone say..
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      08-12-2020, 05:02 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by upstatedoc View Post
did someone say..
We found somebody happy with the VP announcement
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      08-13-2020, 10:02 AM   #22
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What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a Good Year, one's a great year!
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