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      08-13-2020, 11:57 AM   #23
Soul_Glo
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An old, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $25,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand. I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $20,00,000", the jeweler said.

The young girl's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon, once you get your money" he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
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      08-13-2020, 11:59 PM   #24
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What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced. 🤡

Boston joke: A man goes to a $10 dockside whore and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the prostitute laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?" 🦞
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      08-14-2020, 12:58 AM   #25
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Did I tell you about the blind prostitute?
You have to hand it to her!!
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      08-14-2020, 10:39 AM   #26
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What do airplanes and bleached-blondes have in common?





black boxes



would have been better with a pic
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      08-14-2020, 11:50 AM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UncleWede View Post
What do airplanes and bleached-blondes have in common?





black boxes



[COLOR="White"]would have been better with a pic[/COLOR]
:

Reminds me of the expression. Does the rug match the drapes?
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      08-14-2020, 03:28 PM   #28
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Thor decides to leave the heavens and come down to earth to sample some earthly pleasures. His first day on earth, he decides he wants to experience sex, so he goes down to 42nd street and engages a hooker, brings her to a seedy motel room and proceeds to rock her world for hours upon hours. At the end of it, she's exhausted and crawls to the bathroom. While she's in there, Thor feels remorse - "I'm a God with incredible powers. I can't let this poor girl think that she'll ever experience such pleasures again, it will ruin her for human men from this point forward. I must tell her who I am". So the girl staggers back out of the bathroom and as she's dressing, Thor says, "I have something to tell you - I'm Thor." And she says, "Your Thor! I'm so Thor I can't pith!"
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      08-16-2020, 05:56 AM   #29
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You cant run in a campground - you can only ran since it's past tents.
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      08-16-2020, 08:01 AM   #30
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Bra sizes:

A: almost boobs
B: barely boobs
C: can't complain
D: dang
DD: double dang
E: enormous
F: fake
G: get a reduction
H: help me I've fallen over
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      08-16-2020, 08:46 AM   #31
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The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to JFK airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.

The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do. Suddenly, the Pope noticed the flashing lights of a State Police car in his side mirror, so he pulled over.

The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in." The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper.

"Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief.

"No! This guy is even more important!"

"Is it the President?" asked the chief.

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.

"I'm not quite sure, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."
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      08-17-2020, 03:00 PM   #32
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul_Glo View Post
Bra sizes:

A: almost boobs
B: barely boobs
C: can't complain
D: dang
DD: double dang
E: enormous
F: fake
G: get a reduction
H: help me I've fallen over
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      08-17-2020, 03:19 PM   #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Samurai of 2day View Post
Here you go!
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      08-18-2020, 01:57 PM   #34
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why is a mugshot not called a cellfie?

why isn't fertilizer called grassoline?

why is it a hug and not a contact hi?

why isn't a dad bod a father figure?
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      08-22-2020, 06:10 AM   #35
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Sex with the priest's wife.

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest...

"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says...

"You better hurry home now.
My wife died a year ago".
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      08-22-2020, 04:32 PM   #36
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Uhh priest, mass, wife?
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      08-22-2020, 06:46 PM   #37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wdb View Post
Uhh priest, mass, wife?
Priest's can be married if they come to the cloth after they are already married.
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      08-22-2020, 06:47 PM   #38
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I'll see myself out now...
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      08-23-2020, 10:58 AM   #39
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I was surprised when my banker told me that her husband retired from being a Marine Biologist and became a Greek Orthodox Priest. Then I remembered that the father of a kid in my first grade class was the local Greek Orthodox Priest.
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      08-23-2020, 01:48 PM   #40
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A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them

"Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code"

… More So....... after a week, the 1st daughter texted

"NESCAFE"

and the next week the 2nd daughter text

"WILLS"

the mother being an intelligent woman went to get a Nescafe tin and read the label

"fantastic till the last drop"

went to her husband's pack of WILLS cigarette and read
"Extra long, king size"

she smiled and said "not bad for their ages".

After the next week, the 3rd daughter texted

"Indigo Delhi Hyderabad",

the mother then called Indigo airways helpdesk to enquire about their Delhi Hyderabad flight and they replied

"it's 5times daily, 7days a week, both ways and the flight duration is 75mins".

Mother fainted
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      08-23-2020, 07:07 PM   #41
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Mrs Miller told me this joke, yes we tell each other cheesy jokes

Guy walks into a bar, orders corona & 2 hurricanes

Bartender says, that'll be $20.20

😐 Fml,


https://www.cnn.com/2020/08/23/weath...day/index.html
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      08-25-2020, 11:01 AM   #42
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When I walked out of my dorm building, a young co-ed rode up on this bicycle. She stopped, stripped off all her clothes, tossed them on the ground, and said that I could take whatever I wanted.
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      08-25-2020, 11:12 AM   #43
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shermanpo2004 View Post
When I walked out of my dorm building, a young co-ed rode up on this bicycle. She stopped, stripped off all her clothes, tossed them on the ground, and said that I could take whatever I wanted.
I would have taken the bicycle.
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      08-25-2020, 11:17 AM   #44
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Management

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be a programmer," said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow "it's my fault."
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