Dating - Good/Bad Experiences

[Donatello.]

Originally Posted by Lady Jane

This is one aspect about a relationship that puzzles me. I found out over the years that the very same qualities that make you attractive and exciting suddenly become problematic.

You independence, your Joie de Vivre, your ability to just get-up and go and travel the world etc...etc...are now obstacles to pre-conceived expectations.

If you're a good catch, men and women will try to stake their claims early in a relationship and maybe try to mold you. Early engagement/marriage proposal.

Remember my long term relation with the pilot in Germany? He was transferred back to Canada and wanted me to marry him, leave everything behind and have babies. I just told him that it wasn't going to happen. I still had three more years on my nursing contract and I certainly wasn't going to become a military wife being bounced around from base to base when I spent all of my childhood doing that. That was certainly not in the cards.

I'm in control of my life and my future. Sometimes you have to make the hard decisions. That's what my parents taught me.

Off my soap box.

Attachment 2524485

& on the flip side is called compromise. No one ever has a successful LTR without compromise in some areas/some things. (Not saying you should have on what you said. You post just reminded me of this fact)

[CTinline-six]

Originally Posted by Tambohamilton

Length doesn't matter if you can't touch the sides!

[CTinline-six]

Originally Posted by Donatello.

& on the flip side is called compromise. No one ever has a successful LTR without compromise in some areas/some things. (Not saying you should have on what you said. You post just reminded me of this fact)

Yup, and compromise can't be one-sided, as in one person is doing all the compromising to fit the other's life. Lady Jane's post is a perfect example of this, the guy basically expected her to change her whole life for him, which is unrealistic and certain to fail.

King Rudi I'm sure the sex is great but if that is the only thing holding this relationship together, I can't imagine it lasting long if the other parts of the relationship aren't great. Life is too short to be unhappy, and the fact that you are questioning your relationship and seeking the advice of a bunch of random BMW owners on the interwebz speaks volumes. Would you want to go through the constant breakups for another 6 months? Another year? The longer you go through this I think the more difficult it will be.

[fiveohwblow]

King Rudi I’ve followed the last year or so of your postings and still don’t know much about your relationship other than good sex.

What drew you to each other? Does it still?

Are you able to open up and be vulnerable to share these little intimate things that lead to intimate moments, or are you now more reserved based on the 5 times you’ve practiced being alone with each other?

What commonalities do you share, aside from the sex? Are you the definition of opposites attract? While it’s a neat saying, I’ve found the “attract” in that statement to have a short shelf life. There’s a fine balance between the intrigue you gain from someone who is your antithesis and the bonds of shared passion.

Lastly, and likely the most important question, to what end? The WHY behind being in this relationship coupled with what your desire is or how you would define success will really tell a tale. If at five years an ocd person such as yourself has not achieved the intended result, definition of insanity perhaps?

[Dang3r]

For me: The older I get, the more the reasons pro/contra a relationship with a person had changed.
Meanwhile I wouldnt count the amount of similarities, but the amount of quarrels which would never happen. That may sound a bit boiled but is the truth.
That isnt important when just searching for a shot in the dark, but when to get to know someone very interesting and considering a longer term, then it counts.
When you feel quite uncomfortable with your partner and this was - if you are very honest to yourself - a hidden fact which to ignore was easier at the beginning than to face it because you would have to deal with it anytime...then the decision should be, how long to take it or break it.

[King Rudi]

Update: We talked briefly last night. We are going to talk tonight after work. She admitted last night, that there are some topics that we should have talked about years ago, that are causing issues with her now. I have no preconceived notions as to what the end result of the discussion and potentially discussions will be. I'm leaning more toward Joe's advice of taking a break for a few weeks or a month or so. If we spend time apart and our lives become less stressful and we are ok without being around each other then I say we go that direction. If we find, after we spend some time apart, that we genuinely want to be together, then we have had some time apart to think of how we can do things differently and progress.

We'll see how tonight goes. Maybe it will bring about new appreciation for one another and a better way of discussing disagreements will surface. Maybe this will be the last conversation that we have. Either way, something will be done.

Originally Posted by CTinline-six

Yup, and compromise can't be one-sided, as in one person is doing all the compromising to fit the other's life. Lady Jane's post is a perfect example of this, the guy basically expected her to change her whole life for him, which is unrealistic and certain to fail.

King Rudi I'm sure the sex is great but if that is the only thing holding this relationship together, I can't imagine it lasting long if the other parts of the relationship aren't great. Life is too short to be unhappy, and the fact that you are questioning your relationship and seeking the advice of a bunch of random BMW owners on the interwebz speaks volumes. Would you want to go through the constant breakups for another 6 months? Another year? The longer you go through this I think the more difficult it will be.

as much as I care about this girl, self preservation is top priority. This hasn't always been the case. Honestly, the sex is a bonus. Aside from her temper and the "my stuff comes first" mentality, everything else is great. It's the reason(s) that this has lasted as long as it has. I agree, if it doesn't change, the harder it will be in the future. Thank you sir.

Originally Posted by fiveohwblow

King Rudi I’ve followed the last year or so of your postings and still don’t know much about your relationship other than good sex.

What drew you to each other? Does it still?

Are you able to open up and be vulnerable to share these little intimate things that lead to intimate moments, or are you now more reserved based on the 5 times you’ve practiced being alone with each other?

What commonalities do you share, aside from the sex? Are you the definition of opposites attract? While it’s a neat saying, I’ve found the “attract” in that statement to have a short shelf life. There’s a fine balance between the intrigue you gain from someone who is your antithesis and the bonds of shared passion.

Lastly, and likely the most important question, to what end? The WHY behind being in this relationship coupled with what your desire is or how you would define success will really tell a tale. If at five years an ocd person such as yourself has not achieved the intended result, definition of insanity perhaps?

I'm assuming your line of questioning is rhetorical but still, we have a lot in common; same sense of style, love horror movies, we both despise the general public and public places, both of us are a little dark, twisted and sadistic. We are opposites in personalities, but we both hold the same values in home, parenting, work ethic, etc. Our core values are very much in line with one another. True, we have been at this for 5 years, but the desired end result isn't really an end result. We are both damaged people to a degree, perhaps a little more so on my end. Neither of us are interested in being married. The structure of our relationship is a bit different due to this. Most people date, then progress is made culminating in marriage, this is not the desired end result. To put it in driving culture assimilation, we aren't going around the track trying to beat anyone's laptime, we are going around the track to enjoy the drive itself and push each other to do better. If our relationship stands the test of time, I would have no issues co-habitating with her, without being married. I've been married twice, both relationships were good until.....the day after the wedding. Everything changed. We are also of the the belief that marriage only invites the church and state into your relationship.....this isn't necessary. If I so choose not to be with someone, I don't feel that I should have to pay another person, to file some paperwork to make this happen. I guess this is the caffeinated way of saying marriage isn't the goal for either of us.

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by King Rudi

Update: We talked briefly last night. We are going to talk tonight after work. She admitted last night, that there are some topics that we should have talked about years ago, that are causing issues with her now. I have no preconceived notions as to what the end result of the discussion and potentially discussions will be. I'm leaning more toward Joe's advice of taking a break for a few weeks or a month or so. If we spend time apart and our lives become less stressful and we are ok without being around each other then I say we go that direction. If we find, after we spend some time apart, that we genuinely want to be together, then we have had some time apart to think of how we can do things differently and progress.

Communication - so important - glad you guys are going to talk!

Just one point - if you do happen to decide some time apart to both focus on the issue and your own head space is what you are going to do, one or two weeks will not be sufficient to really get there...residual feelings will be too strong and it won't really feel like a break. I'd say a month minimum, where you aren't talking, no activities together at all, clean break so that you can truly focus and decide whether the lack of that person's presence in your life is something you really truly miss and want to work towards getting back.

Equally important to this, if you were on a break, that regardless of how you feel at the end that you do set a time to get together and talk at the very beginning of the break. ie. in one month's time we will meet face to face and talk. Not on the phone, or text, none of that. But you have to set it up front so both of you know and can work to that date.

And I'm not pushing for that - it may be what you do, but be great if you don't have to do that. Best wishes whatever happens sir!

[Tambohamilton]

Originally Posted by King Rudi

We are also of the the belief that marriage only invites the church and state into your relationship.....this isn't necessary. If I so choose not to be with someone, I don't feel that I should have to pay another person, to file some paperwork to make this happen.

Have never seen this better put!

Only reason for marriage to me is a potential tax break, and a good excuse for a party.

[CTinline-six]

Originally Posted by King Rudi

We are also of the the belief that marriage only invites the church and state into your relationship.....this isn't necessary. If I so choose not to be with someone, I don't feel that I should have to pay another person, to file some paperwork to make this happen. I guess this is the caffeinated way of saying marriage isn't the goal for either of us.

I have mixed feelings about marriage. I know for some people it solidifies commitment, makes them feel secure, etc. I know as a guy who has seen some of my friends go through divorce, or be treated terribly because now they are "stuck" with each other it makes me want to be REALLY sure before I ever put a ring on someone's finger... but then again how sure can you really be?

The constant breaking up over trivial shit would be the end for me, it just shows immaturity. It's like quitting your job every time you have a bad day then come back the next day saying "I was just upset". Didn't you guys have a break a few months ago? Have things improved since then?

I'm not saying you need to break up now, or even that the perfect person exists out there, she doesn't. Everyone has their flaws, you just have to decide if they are flaws you can live with, or if you need to move on.

[King Rudi]

Marriage is nothing more than gambling half of your possessions (not to mention mental distress) that the other person is going to stay true to their word. Poor business decision if you ask me. I can appreciate someone and be affectionate without the financial risk, the emotional risk is enough.

Originally Posted by CTinline-six

I have mixed feelings about marriage. I know for some people it solidifies commitment, makes them feel secure, etc. I know as a guy who has seen some of my friends go through divorce, or be treated terribly because now they are "stuck" with each other it makes me want to be REALLY sure before I ever put a ring on someone's finger... but then again how sure can you really be?

The constant breaking up over trivial shit would be the end for me, it just shows immaturity. It's like quitting your job every time you have a bad day then come back the next day saying "I was just upset". Didn't you guys have a break a few months ago? Have things improved since then?

I'm not saying you need to break up now, or even that the perfect person exists out there, she doesn't. Everyone has their flaws, you just have to decide if they are flaws you can live with, or if you need to move on.

One can never be 100% sure. It's a gamble. Simply not worth it in my opinion.

The breakup business is the culmination of the underlying issues I believe. I'm looking forward to hearing what the root cause of the issue is and deciding if it's something that either of us want to work on together. This is the one major point that I brought up during our brief chat last night. I explained that disagreements happen, I expect them; but allowing yourself to get so upset over something simple that you tell the person you are done is unacceptable.

We did have a small break up a few months ago. I will give her absolute credit 90% of the topics discussed then have improved on her end. Even though she demonstrated some aggression Sunday, I still saw the restraint that she used in not getting ugly about it. She truly has made strides in trying to give me what we have talked about in the past. Most all of her "flaws" are all things that I can live with. The two major exceptions would be her anger and the desire to press the big, shiny, red, break up button any time that she wants to express how upset she is. If these two things can not be mitigated, then we are in fact done and I will not feel any form of regret in walking away.

[CTinline-six]

Originally Posted by Lady Jane

Ditto. A marriage certificate is like a BMW extended warranty. Not everything is really guaranteed. That's why I lease. He he...

I must be a glutton for punishment because I buy older BMWs and fix them up as daily drivers for fun.

As a male the fears I have about marriage stem from the legal system strongly favoring women in these scenarios. In many cases it is correct, but I've seen some go horribly wrong that had devastating effects on the men and the children involved simply because one side had a better lawyer.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by CTinline-six

I must be a glutton for punishment because I buy older BMWs and fix them up as daily drivers for fun.

As a male the fears I have about marriage stem from the legal system strongly favoring women in these scenarios. In many cases it is correct, but I've seen some go horribly wrong that had devastating effects on the men and the children involved simply because one side had a better lawyer.

Victim of the system here. Yes, things get ugly fast. I lost everything. My house, my car, my savings.....everything. She made it to where I couldn't afford to take care of the kids while they were at my house. The money that went to her for "child support" (that I would have used for groceries and clothing for them) went to her "The kids are at their dads house for the weekend bar money." Yep, the state ALWAYS does what's best for the children.

Rough calculation over 8 years of what I paid her, to not take care of my kids while at her house, $57,600....I know it's more than that, just quick/easy math.

[nyalpine90]

life is a gamble, and taking risks to become better or find better.
starting a business is a gamble and there are lot of risks, but there are also rewards, and profits from it.
relationship is a gamble and has risks as well
Buying a BMW is a risk and gamble even if you lease it, there is always a chance something new may be defective. you make payments while the car sits at shop being tested for weeks lol
buying a home is a huge risk

so kids, todays lesson is Life is about making decisions, some have risks. Fear will only set you back.

[RMachuca3d]

in my eyes, we only got married for the show, so our families could participate in the occasion, as far as my wife and I, we couldnt care less about the celebration\oath part, neither of us follow religious BS and we dont enjoy wasting $$$, but our families being old school it just had to happen...so we made it happen on our terms, we ordained a mutual friend and she validated it, none of our $ is going to some farce religious organization.

Did we need or want to be married? nope, but it was a small sacrifice to validate our relationship in the eyes of our families and it made them super happy, so be it :P.

[BMWGUYinCO]

Originally Posted by Lady Jane

In Canada, a marriage is sanctioned by each individual Province. So whether you get married in front of a Justice, a Priest/Minister or anyone licensed, it makes no difference legally.

But regardless of the Province - you need to have the traditional Canadian wedding, right?

[BMWGUYinCO]

Originally Posted by Lady Jane

Zamboni, Tim Bits and hockey stick? You're my hero!

Well I am half Canadian, after all (mother's side).

Fun fact! My grandfather, Lionel Choquette, was a Senator from Ottawa.

Also - that picture is not me. If it was, I would have also been holding poutine LOL!

[Mein11]

Originally Posted by Lady Jane

Zamboni, Tim Bits and hockey stick? You're my hero!

Is Timmy HoHo's still good in Canadia? When I went to MI for holiday it seemed to have nose dived into the core of the earth.

[BMWGUYinCO]

Originally Posted by Lady Jane

And I make a REAL poutine with curd cheese. Not that mozzarella crap look-alike.

Mmmmmmmm

[RMachuca3d]

Originally Posted by Lady Jane

Your grandfather was a Conservative? A+++ in my books. ( Ooops, no politics. I don't want to be in the penalty box again.)

And I make a REAL poutine with curd cheese. Not that mozzarella crap look-alike.

As an ex-quebeckiztaner..... no more talk of poutine, making me hungry

[fiveohwblow]

Originally Posted by Lady Jane

Zamboni, Tim Bits and hockey stick? You're my hero!

Dammit now I want a double double, roll up the rim contest and win a dozen timbits. Looks like I am headed back to snow country

[UncleWede]

Not EVERY divorce turns out the way you all describe it. I saw my ex from 20+ years ago a few weeks back.
Her: I'm not allowed by work to give you a hug"
Me: "GTFOH, give me a hug"

[rebekahb]

Originally Posted by Rich150001

Update: She ended up agreeing to letting me keep my car, but then gave me the following marriage ultimatum?

1) Show up with ring/proposal
2) Upon engagement, Start a joint account immediately with me funding it 60k to her 20k to be used for IVF and/or other fertility services (she's 38) with the leftover going towards a house.
3) Upon engagement, start another joint account where both our incomes go into

I was contemplating doing it due to believing her intentions, and we went and bought a ring (which I have time to refund). In addition, my parents demanded an apology for a fight they previously had (both parties faults) or else they would disown me, take me off will, not see me anymore if i went through with it. She would not apologize but agreed to start fresh. Then when she started derogatory name calling me over two weeks, I realized we just weren't ready and reluctantly backed out at the last minute...so much stress!

Run, run as fast as you can.