"Funny Stories with your Kids" Thread

[j_marinelli]

Not sure if there is an old thread about this but thought I'd make it up after a conversation I had with my 5 year old last night.

We started paying him for doing small chores so he can start to understand responsibilities and value of a dollar. He finally did enough to have $10 and was so excited because he could buy the transformer he really wants. My wife countered with if you earn one more dollar you will have enough to pay for the tax. "Whats tax?" he asks. So I tried to think of the most simple way to explain it for a 5 yr old to understand. I said " That's the money you have to pay the government when you want something."

The face he made was priceless!!! He couldn't understand why you have to pay someone to buy something for yourself. It was great!

Lets hear what everyone else has! I'm sure there is some good ones from kids of all ages!

[Alfisti]

Ha! mine is 4 and is exactly the same, saves money for transformers.

A year ago before he got into transformers i said to him that his piggy bank was filling, so what is he going to buy? He thought about it for a good 15 seconds or so and finally said ... "more piggy banks".

Gold.

[neverdone]

Mine took a shit down a vent when he was 5. Yep. I'm so proud. we still have no idea why. He just said "I wanted to try it."

To this day it's the worst thing he's done. But it's the thing I remember the most about the shit that he does lol.

[canukgtp]

My little guy is almost 2 and has picked up "ah shit" from his mom...and uses it correctly like when he drops a toy or spills something...it's hard not to laugh when that little voice just blurts out ah shit! hahaha

[Alfisti]

Another one, 4 year old is in the living room and the wife comes downstairs with the baby who just had breakfast. 4 year old says "good morning Chris, did you have one boob or two".

[UncleWede]

Mine was a bit older, probably in the 10-12 range. We had gone Christmas shopping for mom at the local diamond place, but he picked this gaudy turquoise . . .thing to hang around her neck.

Upon opening, he told her where we got it (and it was on the box.
Wife: "This is beautiful, but why not diamonds?"
Son: "You have enough diamonds already."

Out of the mouths of babes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Alfisti]

OT but FUCK ME diamonds .. christ. Went out to buy earrings for the mrs and came back empty. You need MINIMUM $2500 for anything half decent.

[UncleWede]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

OT but FUCK ME diamonds .. christ. Went out to buy earrings for the mrs and came back empty. You need MINIMUM $2500 for anything half decent.

Or know a guy who started selling rocks out he back of his car on Saturdays at AYSO to your dad.

2500 for earrings?????? Get hoops with just left-over diamond dust - $250-300.

[Mywifes335]

So I kinda get road rage sometimes. My favorite "goto" is "Fuck YOU man!". I say it regardless if the driver is a male or female. Just like how I call everyone "hooker".

Anyway, hard to change old habits. I guess when my son was young he heard it a few times while chillin in his baby Britax/Recaro.

Well, one day, my wife, 2 year old son and I were shopping at CVS. My son insisted on riding in the shopping car with the little car attached to it. I would've too....it's so cool.

All was well. All of a sudden I heard my wife yell at me to go over to her. As I walked up, I saw her face pale and mortified. Then I heard it. My son was yelling with his fist extended out the toy car, "fuck you man, fuck you man!"

I proceeded to crack up and tear up. Then we (my wife) explained that it's not right to say it and that daddy shouldn't either and that daddy was naughty for doing so.

"fuck you man!"

- circa 2013 from my 2 year old son

[Mywifes335]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

OT but FUCK ME diamonds .. christ. Went out to buy earrings for the mrs and came back empty. You need MINIMUM $2500 for anything half decent.

I sold my E30 race car for my wife's engagement ring back in 2004.

That wasn't even the total cost.

[jtodd_fl]

My daughter picked up "touché" at 3 y/o. She'd say it a lot.

Daughter: Can I get ice cream.
Grandma: You just had a soda.
Daughter: Touché

Daughter: can I go outside and play
Pre-school teacher: you just came in, you need to do something else
Daughter: Touché

She used to get the funniest looks. Was a sign of things to come. She's very verbal and her vocabulary is stunning. In her freshman high school composition class, she got a 99% on an essay because the teacher said a word didn't mean what she thought it meant. She produced a dictionary that clearly listed her usage as the 3rd definition and explained that, while the connotation was not there, perhaps, the denotation was clearly correct and should be the basis for grading. Haha. She always aces English courses.

[KingOfJericho]

I was carrying my daughter down the stairs when she was about 2.5yrs old (few months ago) and I missed the last step and slammed down to the ground on my knees... hard. She was completely fine, just a little shaken, but I was in some serious pain. I was on the ground holding my knees doing a Peter Griffin and this conversation occurred:

wife: What happened??????
me: I missed the last step and really hurt my knees... sssshhhhhh aaaaah sssssshhhhh aaaahhhhh
wife: WELL STOP DOING THAT! YOU'RE SCARING HER!!!
me:

[KingOfJericho]

My nearly 3yo daughter now calls everything "this guy". She sounds like a little Joe Pesci walking around the house.

[Mywifes335]

Originally Posted by KingOfJericho

I was carrying my daughter down the stairs when she was about 2.5yrs old (few months ago) and I missed the last step and slammed down to the ground on my knees... hard. She was completely fine, just a little shaken, but I was in some serious pain. I was on the ground holding my knees doing a Peter Griffin and this conversation occurred:

wife: What happened??????
me: I missed the last step and really hurt my knees... sssshhhhhh aaaaah sssssshhhhh aaaahhhhh
wife: WELL STOP DOING THAT! YOU'RE SCARING HER!!!
me:

That's when you purposely leave the toilet seat up in all the bathrooms for a week!

Shit I do that anyway. Oops.

[Mywifes335]

Originally Posted by KingOfJericho

My nearly 3yo daughter now calls everything "this guy". She sounds like a little Joe Pesci walking around the house.

As long as she doesn't LOOK like him, you're good.

[Nkc]

My Boy (2.5yo): Daddy look, Batman.
Me: Do you want it?
Boy: YES, PLEASE!
Me: Is it on sale?
Boy: No.
Me: Do you still want it?
Boy: No, too expensive.
Me: That's my boy.

[other_evolved]

Originally Posted by canukgtp

My little guy is almost 2 and has picked up "ah shit" from his mom...and uses it correctly like when he drops a toy or spills something...it's hard not to laugh when that little voice just blurts out ah shit! hahaha

Ughh....our 19 month old does this! Contextually correct, and everything.

[Alfisti]

Originally Posted by KingOfJericho

I was carrying my daughter down the stairs when she was about 2.5yrs old (few months ago) and I missed the last step and slammed down to the ground on my knees... hard. She was completely fine, just a little shaken, but I was in some serious pain. I was on the ground holding my knees doing a Peter Griffin and this conversation occurred:

wife: What happened??????
me: I missed the last step and really hurt my knees... sssshhhhhh aaaaah sssssshhhhh aaaahhhhh
wife: WELL STOP DOING THAT! YOU'RE SCARING HER!!!
me:

I can (sadly) beat that. Yesterday my mrs lost her shit because I did not give notice that i was going in the back yard. A standard suburban yard.

Christ.

[kwality]

Was at the zoo with my 4 year old and noticed he was "dancing". This is the sign of I have to pee.

As I asked a zoo keeper where the closest bathroom was, my son pees down my leg. Shorts down by his ankles....

[E46M3forRay]

[inde60x]

I'll contribute.

I have a 6yo son from my first marriage. My current wife has been in his life since he was 18 months. He's a complete mini-me with the same need for full understanding of all situations and potential outcomes which drives my wife crazy. His knack for reasoning is amazing and I'm regularly impressed which doesn't go over well with the mrs.

He was in preschool 2 years ago and one of his "stepping stones" to advance was to count to 100. He's a smart kid and knows what he's doing at all times. We kept being told he wasn't advancing I'm the class over the period of a week and after finally asking the teacher what he was missing, we found out he was counting from 39 and going straight to 50. I sat him down and asked because I was sure there was a reason why he couldn't remember the 40s and his response was simply, "oh I know I skip the 40s, I do that because I don't like them and don't feel like saying them." That was the first step we struggled with.

The second step we had troubles with were him telling the teacher his full name, first middle and last. He refused to tell the teacher his name and would make up other names. The teacher asked me to speak with him and when I asked him why he wouldn't tell his teacher his name he responded "she calls me by my name every day all day, why do I need to tell her, she's the one who must have a memory problem."

Now that we're in kindergarten it's a little more advanced with him seeing a funny dinosaur picture on the 3rd question of his placement test at the beginning of the year and choosing that (which was definitely not the correct answer), and continued to choose the funniest possible answer for the rest of the 100 question test. the teacher saw what he did and figured it out and he was still placed on advanced track because he was following common themes. His response to that was "the elephant obviously is the one with the trunk but the dinosaur looked silly and so I wanted to find the funny answers."

Needless to say it drives my wife nuts because I can't help but laugh and drives my ex crazy because she never got away from my attitude and constant need to reason fully.

[Lups]

Me and the hubby both are complete nerds. Turns out that combining our genes was not that smart.

I left our boys with my uncle for a few hours a few days ago since I had to work a bit and he wanted to do his share in raising the kids. My aunt ran away since the last time it took her three days to recover from the babysitting.

We don't ask much from our sitters: You have to have know cpr (our younger son) a valid decree as a medical professional, a working cellphone, and preferably nerves of steel.

So, my doctor uncle took the boys. He was playing it safe and decided to stay indoors with them. The dear uncle had answered a few thousand questions about babies until he had said to the boys that "hey there is a library in the house. Go read about this all" he went far enough as to find a book that is a study material for midwives.

What I had failed to tell him was that the damn older (five tears old) has been reading for a few years now, and when he's interested about something, he reads and reads and reads.

So. I went back to fetch the kids and my uncle looked a bit uncomfortable. I asked what happened and he said he should've gone outside. "anna I am sorry, it didn't go so well. It's a fucking horror show again and I thought I was killing the questions!"

"Mom 30% of births consist the mother pooping while giving birth!! Did you poop? Was I a poop baby?!"

"I thought he was reading comics while we played with cars with the younger kid. Wait until he explains to you how babies are made before you get mad at me"

I love my kids but I truly feel sorry for all of those who end up spending time with them without taking my warnings seriously.