The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Esteban]

What's the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?

Seasoning

[Nowimeasy]

How you feelin' today??

[Buug959]

If being sexy was a crime I'd be in jail... for tax fraud.

[Buug959]

NM

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by Buug959

NM

It works for Charlie Brown (though it is spelled slightly different).

[SpeedBuggy]

Originally Posted by Buug959

NM

Originally Posted by Esteban

It works for Charlie Brown (though it is spelled slightly different).

Pirates? As in “arrrgh”?

[shannon1]

Arrrgh, Aaugh, Aargh?

[85Shark]

Happy St. Patrick's Day everybody


The selfless Irish!

The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man (fellow air passengers, in this case)!

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.”

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."

[Esteban]

I was so poor growing up that if I wasn't a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

(made famous by Rodney Dangerfield)

[Nowimeasy]

Simple!

[vreihen16]

From another thread:

Originally Posted by UncleWede

I don't think any of you have picked MY nose.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose...but you can't pick your friend's nose!!!!!

[Esteban]

You've gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

[vreihen16]

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him: "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."

He thought for a minute and then said: "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."

"Thank you. This may very well be the solution," the woman happily responded.

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw the two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said: "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

[Esteban]

Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before they open their mouth.

[3.0L]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson and asks, "Look up and tell me what you see." Watson says, "I see millions of stars." Holmes says, "What does that tell you?" Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. What does it tell you?" Holmes says, "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"

[Esteban]

Smoking will kill you, bacon will kill you... and yet, smoking bacon will cure it.

[Nowimeasy]

The Irish.

[3.0L]

Beans, beans, the musical fruit

The more you eat the more you toot

The more you toot the better you feel

So eat your beans at every meal

[Subte1949]

A man walks into a pet store and says, "I'd like to buy a dozen bees."

The clerk carefully counts out 13 bees and hands them over.

The man says, "Wait, I asked for 12. You gave me 13."

The clerk says, "That one’s a freebie."

[Esteban]

I asked the IT guy, “how do you make a motherboard?” And he said, “I tell her about my job.”

[Subte1949]

I asked a librarian if she knew a place where I could find a book on paranoia.

She leaned in and whispered, "They're right behind you."

[Esteban]

What undergarment does a psychologist wear?

A Freudian Slip.