The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by dumptruck

I was getting a handjob from my new girlfriend when i asked, “how are you so good at this?”

“Years of practice,” she said.

“Bit of a player in your day, huh,” i joked.

“No,” she replied, “my dad didnt have any arms.”

So, we're going down THAT road, are we? You started it!


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs:

...outside your front door? Matt
...in your pool? Bob
...on your wall? Art
...in a pile of leaves? Russell

[vreihen16]

It's sooooooo cold outside tonight that I actually saw a pickpocket with his hands in his *own* pockets!!!!!

[KRS_SN]

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

[KRS_SN]

My dad always said when one door closes, another opens.

Fantastic dad, shit carpenter…

[KRS_SN]

My mum was an interior decorator and my dad was a gynaecologist. So I can paint your hallway through your letterbox

[Esteban]

The cashier told me, "Strip down facing me."

By the time I realized she meant the debit card, it was too late.

[Buug959]

How does a New Zealander find a sheep in long grass?



Rather enjoyable.

[Buug959]

How did the blonde break her legs while raking leaves?



She fell out of the tree.

[Rdmdrider]

lol good one!

[Esteban]

Do you realize that if you are sitting on the toilet at 11:59PM, and the clock strikes midnight...

...it’s same shit, different day.

[Buug959]

How do you say "I'm constipated." in German



I'm farfrompoopin.

[Esteban]

What happens when a microscope bangs into a telescope?

A kaleidoscope.

[JeffL0]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly
to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled
that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently
caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can
do?"

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladies room."

[JimmyJazz]

Two blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon a set of tracks.The first blonde said, "I think those are deer tracks."The second blonde said, "No, I think they are bear tracks."
They argued for twenty minutes.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[Esteban]

My wife rang me at the pub and said, "if you're not home in 10 minutes, I'm giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog."

I was home in 5 minutes. I'd hate for anything to happen to the dog.

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by Buug959

How did the blonde break her legs while raking leaves?



She fell out of the tree.

Why did the blonde keep staring at the orange juice can?

The can said concentrate.

[M5Rick]

Someone said that J R Ewing was last seen inside this place .

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by JeffL0

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly
to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled
that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently
caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can
do?"

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladies room."

Fffffffff...

[Nowimeasy]

Husband canoodling wife says "I'm feelin' lucky tonite".
Wife replies "I've had a long day and very tired".
Husband - "I'll still try my luck".
Wife - "OK then, spell WAY".
Husband - "W-A-Y".
Wife - You forgot the F".
Husband - "There's no F in way!!".
Wife - "Right On!".

[3.0L]

Originally Posted by Buug959

How do you say "I'm constipated." in German



I'm farfrompoopin.

How do you say KY in German?



“Weinerslider”

[2000cs]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

How do you say KY in German?



“Weinerslider”

Reminds me of the joke (?) going around Detroit when Daimler owned Chrysler:

How do Germans pronounce Daimler-Chrysler?
The Chrysler is silent.

[Esteban]

I renamed my toilet Jim instead of John.

People will be impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim every morning.