The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Nowimeasy]

A collision is what happens when two motorists go after the same pedestrian.

[M5Rick]

Driving on the highway man gets a call from wife warning him that she heard on the news that a maniac was driving on the wrong side of the road.
He replies '' Only one??! There are hundreds of them!!''

[flybigjet]

One day, the US military decided to take a poll to see how the different branches handle a specific situation, in this case a scorpion in a service member's tent. One representative from each major branch is selected, and each answers privately.

The question was a simple one: "There is a scorpion in your tent. What do you do?"

Army: "I would crush it with my boot and throw it outside."

Navy: "I would pick it up by the tail and throw it outside."

Marines: "I'd bite its head off before cooking and eating it."

Air Force: "I'd call down to the front desk and ask why there's a tent in my hotel room."

[Buug959]

What do you call four chihuahuas in quicksand?



Cuatro cinco.

[Esteban]

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

[Buug959]

What's the female equivalent of "tea bagging"?



A Flappuccino.

[Esteban]

I told a joke on a zoom meeting but nobody laughed.

Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

[Nowimeasy]

Only in Hamerica.

[Esteban]

And his name is Wile E.

Beep beep

[Esteban]

Speaking of coyotes, had to chase off a coyote on my walk the other night. He came up behind me, didn’t hear him, but for some reason I had turned around and saw him. I raised my hands in the air and did my best impression of a bear growling and he took off.

[Esteban]

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

I have like 50 wooden balls already.

[vreihen16]

I just saw a streaming commercial for one of those online banks. They were pitching that interest on your savings should be higher...like their 4.20% APY. Nope, not going to put any of *my* money into a bank run by potheads.....

[Esteban]

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

[Esteban]

Two guys are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with
your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other man will do. The first again yells, "I slept with your mother!" The other man says, "Go home Dad, you're drunk."

[3.0L]

Is a frog’s ass water-tight?

[Esteban]

Chinese takeout: $10. Tip: $2. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...

Riceless.

[Buug959]

What are the two most followed sports in Germany?



Rules and Regulations

[Buug959]

The earth is about 71% water and it's not carbonated.

So?

So technically it's flat.

[Esteban]

The only thing flat earthers have to fear...

...is sphere itself.

[Esteban]

I went to a psychic the other day. Knocked on her door and she yelled "Who is it?"

So I left.

[dumptruck]

I was getting a handjob from my new girlfriend when i asked, “how are you so good at this?”

“Years of practice,” she said.

“Bit of a player in your day, huh,” i joked.

“No,” she replied, “my dad didnt have any arms.”

[Nowimeasy]

You know how it goes.
As one door closes, another door opens.


But apart from that it's still a pretty good car.