Dating - Good/Bad Experiences

[DETRoadster]

Originally Posted by Not_Judy

DO NOT GET SERIOUS with this girl. I personally would hang with her and delve deeper into who she is. Who knows, maybe she is the one that needs to learn something from you in order to make her life better or see things from a different perspective. I think in today's society we are so quick to judge and run the other way that it prevents us from making solid connections with other people. I've been an artist since I was young and I am a firm believer than any artist, musician or the like that is worth their salt is a little, if not totally bat shit crazy. Some of my favorite people are far from what I would call sane or label as a "normal person." I wouldn't call this done, but I also wouldn't get involved to a point to where you can't find the escape route.....quickly.

Not_Judy is right on this one, IMO. Don't write her off yet but don't plan to get serious either. Most artists I know (including my wife) are a bit tweaked. This chick has some emotional issues from the past but she knows it, she knows how to cope with it, and she knows it can impact her relationships. That's pretty mature. The real bat sh*t crazy ones don't know they are crazy, don't know why they are crazy, or don't care that they are crazy. If anything I would think the lack of humor would ultimately get too annoying to deal with. Just chill with her and have some fun, but no expectations. if nothing else, enjoy the fact that she's different from the hordes of self centered whiny bitches out there.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by DETRoadster

Not_Judy is right on this one, IMO. Don't write her off yet but don't plan to get serious either. Most artists I know (including my wife) are a bit tweaked. This chick has some emotional issues from the past but she knows it, she knows how to cope with it, and she knows it can impact her relationships. That's pretty mature. The real bat sh*t crazy ones don't know they are crazy, don't know why they are crazy, or don't care that they are crazy. If anything I would think the lack of humor would ultimately get too annoying to deal with. Just chill with her and have some fun, but no expectations. if nothing else, enjoy the fact that she's different from the hordes of self centered whiny bitches out there.

Exactly! Something tells me you could have a lot of fun with this girl, not just sex. This girl could possibly teach you a lot about life and other people. Better to have an understanding of who you are (in her case) and be open about it versus trying to hide it. Those that try hide it are the ones to avoid. One of my favorite quotes from a movie is, "The broken are the more evolved."

[Turkish Pickle]

Originally Posted by bimmette

Well I'm gonna give my opinion even if you don't want it.

Run.

Originally Posted by Never_Enough

Does she fuck well? If so, just tag it & that is all until you find her replacement. If not, run. This one is certifiable.

Originally Posted by FCobra94

Yeah, seriously...what he said ^^^ Not sure why you need a co-signer when it sounds like you've already figured it out on your own.

okay; it's always good to get a second or more opinion on things but im glad we're on similar pages here

Originally Posted by aozer

Lol nothing wrong with psychedelic drugs.

no no the part that didn't sit well with me was her "psychological past", im the one who started the convo about shrooms. couldn't care less on what someone else does (unless its heroin or meth)

Originally Posted by Not_Judy

I was the same way a few years back. I'm a very passionate person. For those that believe in such things, I've told that I'm an empath. I have this strange ability to feel other peoples emotions and read them quite well....this made me a demon when I was in sales. I don't know, maybe everyone is able to do this. Just a few years ago my entire life fell apart. Those closest to me were the ones that the did not a little, not some but all of the damage; all irreparable. It took a few years for me to rebuild myself mentally but my kindhearted, always wanting to help others blindly and take people at face value self died. I'm not saying I'm mean spirited now, I still care about people, but my ability to become emotionally attached just simply isn't there anymore. I don't take it as a negative thing though, in fact quite the adverse. From my experiences most change doesn't come from just waking up one day and deciding to do it, it comes from life altering events that change us and then we simply have to learn how to take the best from it and move on.



Here's my take. I'm a bit different than most. I like to get inside people's heads and see what makes them tick; not for manipulation purposes but I like to study people for my own strange psychological reasons. I try to learn something from everyone I meet and get to know well and potentially take something I've learned from them and incorporate in my life potentially.

DO NOT GET SERIOUS with this girl. I personally would hang with her and delve deeper into who she is. Who knows, maybe she is the one that needs to learn something from you in order to make her life better or see things from a different perspective. I think in today's society we are so quick to judge and run the other way that it prevents us from making solid connections with other people. I've been an artist since I was young and I am a firm believer than any artist, musician or the like that is worth their salt is a little, if not totally bat shit crazy. Some of my favorite people are far from what I would call sane or label as a "normal person." I wouldn't call this done, but I also wouldn't get involved to a point to where you can't find the escape route.....quickly.

Originally Posted by DETRoadster

Not_Judy is right on this one, IMO. Don't write her off yet but don't plan to get serious either. Most artists I know (including my wife) are a bit tweaked. This chick has some emotional issues from the past but she knows it, she knows how to cope with it, and she knows it can impact her relationships. That's pretty mature. The real bat sh*t crazy ones don't know they are crazy, don't know why they are crazy, or don't care that they are crazy. If anything I would think the lack of humor would ultimately get too annoying to deal with. Just chill with her and have some fun, but no expectations. if nothing else, enjoy the fact that she's different from the hordes of self centered whiny bitches out there.

i actually like these ideas because it's different than just running away. as i said i do not intend to get serious with this girl, there's too many red flags let's be honest but i kinda like DETRoadster 's outlook on crazy vs maturity

[upstatedoc]

danielle and i are going to target tonight to get supplies for the bday party on saturday

[King Rudi]

Bayerische Motoren Werke she is probably expecting you to run at this point. Show some interest and see what happens. It will do both of you some good, trust me. I will recommend that you be extremely transparent here and do not make her feel like it's something that it is not but I would definitely not just toss her aside. Some of my closest friends were at one point a potential love interest that just didn't work out. I didn't run from them or ghost them, I was honest and open with them about how I felt. These people are the ones that will be there for you later in life and help you when you need it.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

BMW, I'll side with everyone here. Bimmette made the first point, which can be valid, I won't say run literally, but do not get attached.

She's certifiable as Never_Enough said. A quick search on Plath mentioned she had been depressed her entire adult life.

You have little in common, she has many MANY signs of BPD. She's cute but from her pictures I got a vibe of "she's meh", her smile is not all there in any pictures, and she does not look athletic at all. Not saying that's bad, but it won't be like you.

All in all, she WILL hurt you when you get attached.

One thing, I believe, you have to get out of your head is the notion that you have to know the next steps. Do not look for a relationship. Do not try to certify something into a relationship. The best ones will kind of happen, and when you look at it you're in a relationship.

If you're like me, and get attached too easily, cool off with her and focus on something else.
If you can have fun with her and focus on your studies (very important) and having fun with your friends and other girls, why not keep her as a "friend"? Don't force yourself into anything, just go with the flow.

You're too young and have LOTS to lose to get involved to the point of trying to figure it out or "help" other people. You need to help yourself, graduate with fucking honours, get a visa, get a job. Enjoy youth. It goes by fast. If you don't now, you'll be a dysfunctional adult.

Just don't overthink stuff. Have fun, and if you're getting attached, get away. If it's meant to be it will be. Stop looking for a relationship, you'll come back saying you're in one when it happens.

When in doubt, play it safe. That's going to help you throughout life.

Damn dude.....

Very well said.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by upstatedoc

danielle and i are going to target tonight to get supplies for the bday party on saturday

I can feel the giddiness in one simple statement. Happy for you both. That feeling of the beginning is awesome.

[Antetokounmpo]

Damn, surprised I didn't see this thread sooner.

[Never_Enough]

Originally Posted by upstatedoc

danielle and i are going to target tonight to get supplies for the bday party on saturday

Will you also be buying matching thongs?

[UncleWede]

Originally Posted by upstatedoc

danielle and i are going to target tonight to get supplies for the bday party on saturday

Only a gifted few will recognize class when they see it.

<insert take a drunk girl home>

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

Since upstatedoc is now in a relationship, and therefore out of this dating thread, I will interject as I need help.

Few will remember (I hope) about my marriage and BPD situation.

A few weeks back I moved back home and I'm trying to make the marriage work.

Why? Well, she missed me, I missed her. Life without her wasn't the same, I'd much rather travel and do stuff with her than alone.
I believe this is normal after any breakup, you miss doing stuff or going to the same places without that person.

However, that got me thinking: what's it going to be? Am I just going to go from girlfriend to girlfriend?
I can't think of anyone who wants me more, who I can talk about ANYTHING, who knows me well, and who likes doing all I like doing (I mean, it kind of gets exhausting to hear girls don't like doing sports, don't ski, get sick or ask you to slow down when you're driving)... she's even with me on politics...

I couldn't think of anyone I'd like to have kids with so they could be raised with her values as well as mine.

All signs point to the right direction, right?
I thought I was going through a mid-life crisis at 36...

But since I lost physical attraction to her, how do I make it work?
Any personal experience in "reigniting the flame" so to speak?

That seems to be the piece that's missing and makes me VERY doubtful about the short-term future...

I've been through this. I like to think my experiences in life have lead me down a path to where I can help others and I have been in your same exact situation. My only advice, leave. If you are not physically attracted it is not going to work. Physical attraction is essential for a physical relationship. Sex is a big part of a relationship. You may not smoke but "A re-lit cigarette will never taste the same."

I tried for 9 years to make a relationship work that just didn't. That was 9 years of my life wasted on someone that simply wasn't worth my time or effort.

My best advice is to spend some time alone. It sucks, it's hard but it's essential. You have to be able to learn to be happy with yourself and to be happy alone before you will every be good for anyone. Just my two cents. Feel free to PM if you want to discuss further.

[Turkish Pickle]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

BMW, I'll side with everyone here. Bimmette made the first point, which can be valid, I won't say run literally, but do not get attached.

She's certifiable as Never_Enough said. A quick search on Plath mentioned she had been depressed her entire adult life.

You have little in common, she has many MANY signs of BPD. She's cute but from her pictures I got a vibe of "she's meh", her smile is not all there in any pictures, and she does not look athletic at all. Not saying that's bad, but it won't be like you.

All in all, she WILL hurt you when you get attached.

One thing, I believe, you have to get out of your head is the notion that you have to know the next steps. Do not look for a relationship. Do not try to certify something into a relationship. The best ones will kind of happen, and when you look at it you're in a relationship.

If you're like me, and get attached too easily, cool off with her and focus on something else.
If you can have fun with her and focus on your studies (very important) and having fun with your friends and other girls, why not keep her as a "friend"? Don't force yourself into anything, just go with the flow.

You're too young and have LOTS to lose to get involved to the point of trying to figure it out or "help" other people. You need to help yourself, graduate with fucking honours, get a visa, get a job. Enjoy youth. It goes by fast. If you don't now, you'll be a dysfunctional adult.

Just don't overthink stuff. Have fun, and if you're getting attached, get away. If it's meant to be it will be. Stop looking for a relationship, you'll come back saying you're in one when it happens.

When in doubt, play it safe. That's going to help you throughout life.

my man
graduating with honors is a bit out of the picture as of my junior year, but i'll graduate in time with a decent resume and a slightly above average GPA so i'll take that. I'm kinda like you and then again not in terms of attachment - there are people I can get attached too easily to but I feel the need to analyze someone's behavior before so that I don't risk my own ass, hence why I wrote that post. And honestly as shitty as this might sound, I'm not trying to help anyone out since there's too much I need to figure out for myself, and generally speaking I'm a slightly selfish person. For some reason I always need to have an exit strategy even though I prefer going in and doing something and if it happens it happens, it's a weird balance for sure.

But I completely get where you're coming from with that post, and I'll keep it in mind.

Originally Posted by Not_Judy

Bayerische Motoren Werke she is probably expecting you to run at this point. Show some interest and see what happens. It will do both of you some good, trust me. I will recommend that you be extremely transparent here and do not make her feel like it's something that it is not but I would definitely not just toss her aside. Some of my closest friends were at one point a potential love interest that just didn't work out. I didn't run from them or ghost them, I was honest and open with them about how I felt. These people are the ones that will be there for you later in life and help you when you need it.

I like that idea, honestly I'm not thinking of ghosting but more of submarining (it's when you reduce contact to every now and then basically) but I like the being a contrarian idea. She said she'd come down for thanksgiving since she doesn't even go home for the break, which is odd but whatever, if she does she does if not I think we all know what the Dating Veterans advise.

[Turkish Pickle]

Also - I love you guys even though we're probably never going to meet. If anyone is in Chicago though I'd like to buy you guys a beer

[Never_Enough]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

Since upstatedoc is now in a relationship, and therefore out of this dating thread, I will interject as I need help.

Few will remember (I hope) about my marriage and BPD situation.

A few weeks back I moved back home and I'm trying to make the marriage work.

Why? Well, she missed me, I missed her. Life without her wasn't the same, I'd much rather travel and do stuff with her than alone.
I believe this is normal after any breakup, you miss doing stuff or going to the same places without that person.

However, that got me thinking: what's it going to be? Am I just going to go from girlfriend to girlfriend?
I can't think of anyone who wants me more, who I can talk about ANYTHING, who knows me well, and who likes doing all I like doing (I mean, it kind of gets exhausting to hear girls don't like doing sports, don't ski, get sick or ask you to slow down when you're driving)... she's even with me on politics...

I couldn't think of anyone I'd like to have kids with so they could be raised with her values as well as mine.

All signs point to the right direction, right?
I thought I was going through a mid-life crisis at 36...

But since I lost physical attraction to her, how do I make it work?
Any personal experience in "reigniting the flame" so to speak?

That seems to be the piece that's missing and makes me VERY doubtful about the short-term future...

First, what's the reason you no longer are attracted to her?

[King Rudi]

Also, let me touch on a few things that you mentioned here.

The 9 year relationship that I spoke of, on paper it was perfect. We had the same views on everything, same taste in food, movies, music, social and political views...it was perfect. I enjoyed her company as she enjoyed mine. The unfortunate part was that she was a narcissist. There would be times that we would split up and we were both done; then after a few months we would miss each other. Life just wasn't the same without her. I missed her jokes, her smile, the companionship; she was my best friend. We tried so many times to make it work and we just couldn't do it.

Your situation may be different than mine, but I can assure you that if you spend some time alone, focus on you and your needs, realign your focus in life away from feeling like you need someone; you will become stronger get to a point to where you don't "need" someone. Once you get to that point it will make finding a stable working relationship easier as you won't come across as needy or someone who jumps lady to lady. People who have been single for a while know their worth and don't jump so easily. It also takes the right person to gain your interest thus eliminating the constant cycle of being disappointed in those who are only interested in you for a short while, until the next guy comes along.

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by Bayerische Motoren Werke

Also - I love you guys even though we're probably never going to meet. If anyone is in Chicago though I'd like to buy you guys a beer

You never know, it's a small, small world.

But in all likelihood, yes, very few of us will meet IRL. Feel like I'm getting back to my high school days of being a geek by saying that, but it is the most likely outcome.

What is nice is that in spite of the fact most of us are unlikely to meet, we still share a common interest that unites us, and that gets us passionate enough to help each other out regardless and provide advice. And it is those different viewpoints that we each bring to the table that helps each of us grow as we consider them and take the good from each, and ignore the bad (because, let's face it, we're all flawed).

I like these forums too, they've helped me consider things I wouldn't have thought of otherwise.

[bimmette]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

Since upstatedoc is now in a relationship, and therefore out of this dating thread, I will interject as I need help.

Few will remember (I hope) about my marriage and BPD situation.

A few weeks back I moved back home and I'm trying to make the marriage work.

Why? Well, she missed me, I missed her. Life without her wasn't the same, I'd much rather travel and do stuff with her than alone.
I believe this is normal after any breakup, you miss doing stuff or going to the same places without that person.

However, that got me thinking: what's it going to be? Am I just going to go from girlfriend to girlfriend?
I can't think of anyone who wants me more, who I can talk about ANYTHING, who knows me well, and who likes doing all I like doing (I mean, it kind of gets exhausting to hear girls don't like doing sports, don't ski, get sick or ask you to slow down when you're driving)... she's even with me on politics...

I couldn't think of anyone I'd like to have kids with so they could be raised with her values as well as mine.

All signs point to the right direction, right?
I thought I was going through a mid-life crisis at 36...

But since I lost physical attraction to her, how do I make it work?
Any personal experience in "reigniting the flame" so to speak?

That seems to be the piece that's missing and makes me VERY doubtful about the short-term future...

You're just settling because you're comfortable. I've done the same even when I was not physically attracted anymore, and let me say, it's not fair to her and you. Try to rekindle with some romantic dates, but if it doesn't work, forget it. She doesn't want to be your roommate.

[upstatedoc]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

Since upstatedoc is now in a relationship, and therefore out of this dating thread,

hey i'm not out of the woods yet, and yeah i have to be physically attracted to someone as well or it won't work

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

I don't know but my guess is:

As usual, we got infatuated when started dating, lots of passion, heat (not like upstatedoc), made plans, moved in together, did lots of stuff together (move out, new houses, international trips, MBA together, Post grad together, etc)
Then we got married...
At a certain point things weren't so hot anymore, and I fully accept that is normal.
But I started to feel like I was the only one "starting things" so to speak.
So, maybe instinctively or counterproductively I started to "not" start things. As in: you should do something as well.

Well, lo and behold, we'd go months with just a closed lip kiss everyday...

It took me a couple of years to decide that wasn't going to work and left.

Apparently for her the passion is still there and she regrets not making any move. But I'm uncertain I'd be open for that now...

Do you guys have kids? They can be a drag on time (young ones anyway). I think you said you didn't, but just checking.

What is it that changed for you that you no longer feel physically attracted to her? Has her appearance changed, has yours? Is it because she never seemed to initiate?

Trying to figure out what changed here in your view. There was a book I read about love languages (and how each person is different, but broadly they fall into specific categories) and how its important to understand the other's love language (and they need to understand yours), so that each of you can reach out on their level.

If she's committed to making it work and making changes (and you doing the same where needed as well, because it is rarely only one-sided, though I believe that can happen, just in exceptional circumstances), this relationship could work.

But I think you need to really figure out what changed for you to lose that physical component - it is important.

[Never_Enough]

Originally Posted by upstatedoc

hey i'm not out of the woods yet, and yeah i have to be physically attracted to someone as well or it won't work

Then you better grab her by the pussy already...

[bimmette]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

Neither do I, don't get me wrong. I was the one that made the move so we could both focus on our things. She never wanted me to move and is very scared of losing her comfort.

Is it more comfortable if we stay together? Yes. I won't have to hurt her.
I was looking forward for the thrill of being single again, but then realized "what if the grass isn't greener"...

Neither of us wants to be roommates, but can we be more than that again?

I think there are two aspects involved. Do you love her personality and admire and respect her? Are you attracted to her brain?
And then, if you didn't know her, would you physically find her attractive? Maybe she has gained weight? Maybe you have? Maybe you can go workout together?

[Never_Enough]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

I don't know but my guess is:

As usual, we got infatuated when started dating, lots of passion, heat (not like upstatedoc), made plans, moved in together, did lots of stuff together (move out, new houses, international trips, MBA together, Post grad together, etc)
Then we got married...
At a certain point things weren't so hot anymore, and I fully accept that is normal.
But I started to feel like I was the only one "starting things" so to speak.
So, maybe instinctively or counterproductively I started to "not" start things. As in: you should do something as well.

Well, lo and behold, we'd go months with just a closed lip kiss everyday...

It took me a couple of years to decide that wasn't going to work and left.

Apparently for her the passion is still there and she regrets not making any move. But I'm uncertain I'd be open for that now...

That doesn't sound like you're not physically attracted to her, that sounds like the flame went out. The flame can be reignited, but you both have to put in the work.

I've been in the relationship where I was always initiating & I got tired of that bs so I stopped & then it became a roommate thing really. Then she cheated & left on a whim. Don't let that be you.