The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Buug959]

What do you call karate for amputees?




Partial arts.

[Buug959]

Five out of six people think Russian roulette is perfectly safe.

[Esteban]

What do you call a teacher who never farts in public?

A private tutor.

[OC40]

Works for any decade pre 2000’s.

[85Shark]

A couple of engineer jokes -

Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[3.0L]

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.

[85Shark]

A couple more engineer jokes -

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,
"What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."
 The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
 The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that she can do for them."
 The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

[Buug959]

What is the fastest selling product in New Zealand?


Velcro gloves. Kkkkkrrrriiiissshhh, Kkkkkrrrriiiissshhh Baaa!

[nwgsnake]

Owning a BMW is a lot like a gym membership:
You’re always paying, even when you don’t use it.

[85Shark]

Three beers ...

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?”
“Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies. “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know – the two beers and all.”
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”

[Buug959]

Stephen King has a son named Joe.

I'm not joking, but he is.

[Esteban]

Did you hear that NASA is about to launch a new mission to say sorry to aliens for Earth polluting space?

It's called Apollo G.

[Watching The World Burn]

Originally Posted by Buug959

Stephen King has a son named Joe.

I'm not joking, but he is.

I'd imagine Joekerr would approve of this message - if he were still on the boards.

[85Shark]

Warning, this is not a one liner, but it is a ...

Story of a bored retiree:

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.’

[Esteban]

R.I.P. boiled water. You will be mist.

[Esteban]

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with revenge. We’ll see about that.

[3.0L]

Dyslexics of America, UNTIE!

[JeffL0]

.

[Buug959]

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?


His right hand caught fire.

[Esteban]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

[Dalco450]

I don't want to die alone and without family…


That's why I'm getting my bus driver's license.

[sygazelle]

Happy Pi Day: March 14

You know you've eaten the right amount of pie when your waistline is a little more than 3 times more than your width.